I’m not against fast music. I’m not against loud music. I’ve just reached the time of life when I want to wake up gently each morning. This means no fast or loud music until I have established that I’m awake.
For most of my life I woke up to the Shipping Forecast and the Today programme on Radio 4. After the latter degenerated into an audio boxing match between presenters and politicians, I sought a gentler alternative.
I started to listen to Radio 3 and was very content until the digital switchover and mucking about with FM signals meant local radio kept cutting in. We tried local radio, but being of an age where all disc jockeys annoy me, we turned to Radio 2. Chris Evans is just too much for me first thing in the morning. Doesn’t he have lower gears? We also tried Classic FM, but the adverts were too distracting. Someone should explain to advertising agencies the point of Classic FM – the clue is in its name – so they can produce adverts more in keeping with its content that don’t jar.
After borrowing a friend’s digital radio, we found out that DAB worked in our house and so invested in several receivers. Now we wake up to Radio 3 again, which is generally more soothing and gentle, enabling me to regain consciousness feeling mostly human.
Having said that, I have noticed a number of very fast pianists and other performers lately. They race away down the keyboard, clinking and tinkling, unaware of the early hour that their recordings are being played and how some of us are struggling to get to grips with the day. Perhaps if they knew of our predicament, they would tone it down a bit.
You’re going to ask me for names of composers and performers, but remember this happens between 6am and 7am when I’m trying to wiggle my feet so that I can eventually haul myself out of bed and totter to the bathroom. I am in no state, either physical or mental, to recall the actual pieces of music.
So if pianists could please observe the keyboard speed limit in our house – which is 10 mph – before 7am, I would be very grateful. They can do handbrake turns, rev their strings or kick up any amount of racket once I have managed to get up.
• By Robert Zarywacz, barely awake and in need of a milky drink.